It is early November 2024. Yes, it has been over 4 years since I have scribed our adventures in moving to America. I can probably come up with multiple excuses or reasons for why, and there are many, but essentially, it is inexcusable. I got lost in the doing and lost track of the feeling and bewilderment there. And here is why.
During this time, there was a global pandemic. We sold our place in Connecticut, and we moved to Tampa, Florida. I helped start up not one but two businesses with a business partner that I dedicated myself too for quite some time. I then started up my own sole business, worked on making new friends, and built a life in Tampa.
Then, my world came to a screeching halt for me on New Year’s Eve, December 2022, when my phone rang, and it was the Sheriff. My amazing wife and life partner for many years, who had traveled much of the world with me and moved countries with me, had died.
I cannot begin to describe what it was like to receive that call and run home to find her there. Lifeless.
The months after that are a complete blur. It is filled with emotions, people, funerals, arrangements, admin, and ticking the “widow” box on forms. It was busy; it was chaotic.
And then it all went quiet. Very, very quiet. It was just me and the two animals living in what is meant to be our forever home. And the silence was deafening. I spent most of the following year traveling as much as possible. You could say I was running away, which I was. I just needed to escape the space and the silence. And I saw many countries, some I traveled to alone, some not. I bought a condo in Costa Rica, went to a wedding in Turkey. Flew back to South Africa to honor her wishes and scatter her ashes there, toured the UK, and stopped off in Claire’s home city of Glasgow in Scotland on Easter. Where I was met with a Scottish Piper in a beautiful cathedral, that absolutely gutted me to tears.
I popped into Greece, spent time in Thailand, Singapore, many states in the USA, and the list goes on.
Fast forward to us nearing the end of 2024, and for the first time, I can finally say I am starting to breathe a little again, still not all the way. It still hurts if I breathe too deeply sometimes. I sought professional help; I removed myself from things and people that were not adding value to my life. It has been a very, very difficult time; I cannot hide the fact. But I am at a point where it feels like I can finally see some light at the end of the tunnel as I work my way through this, find some sense of peace as I start to prepare to live the last half of my life if the universe so allows.
The expected heartbreak and grief were an absolute given, but what they do not tell you is the sudden loss of a sense of purpose when you lose your person. She was my purpose, for all the years. Everything I was doing was to better us and secure our financial futures so that we could retire and live our best lives together. And then one day, just like that she was gone. What was the reason for me to get up everyday, especially “alone” in a foreign country?
It has taken me a long time to try and figure that out, I think I have some answers now. I am still just carefully forming them so that it is clear in my head, and in my actions so that when I get up every day, I make sure I take good care of myself, so that I can deliver in this new purpose-driven direction I have landed on. Remember, I am alone in a foreign country, there is no family here. I have started making friends, I have only Penelope (who is now 12!) and Garcia (just turned 5) relying on me. So I have had to figure out what the reason is and what it will be so I can keep pushing forward. Keep growing, keep showing up. And I have landed on living a life of purpose. A purpose that is greater than me, and just my 2 animals. One where I am able to make a difference in people’s lives not just on the day-to-day around me, but on a larger scale in my beloved Africa. More on this to come.
As I sit here, listening to some PJ Power in my outside patio area, Penelope asleep at my feet, I sit back and take a breath of fresh air. And I remember Claire. I do not want to forget her, ever. I seek out my Facebook memories every single morning in hopes of seeing or hearing her again and being reminded of where we were and what we were doing. For those of you that knew us all the years, you may recall we were always on the move, trying new things and visiting new places. She was not a fan of doing that when I met her. She was very set in her routine and ways. She would always park in the same place, eat the same foods. I guess I turned her world upside down for a while there but after a few years she admitted to me she loved the new way of life and would start to ask me, where our new adventure would take us. I was the planner for all those things.
I had many of the happiest years with our Claire. We had our challenges, but we would always figure something out. And then it was over. So with all that being said, I am starting to emerge from hiding, and starting to figure out what’s next with my life, in my new country (we both finally became citizens in 2022!) and every single day I honor her, and the years we had together.
But what I do know, is now more than ever I recognize how quickly life can slip out from under you. Many of us say later, or maybe next week. Or we sit on a decision letting priceless time slide by. I acknowledge this lesson, in fact I always have since my mother (and father) died, but since this loss, it has accelerated. There is no time to waste in this life of ours. We cannot sit idly by in fear, in hiding, we need to put ourselves out there. Live our best and fullest lives. I am preaching to myself here as I write this, because sometimes I show up with fear in life, which I never had before.
This is the first time I am scared, scared of losing people, scared of failing. I was fearless before. I would show up as the best version of me, my armour is a little cracked at the moment, not shattered anymore which is definitely progress, but I do know, I am going to keep working at it until I am up and strong enough to show up in the world, absolutely fearless again. I am going to live a life of greater purpose and I will continue to honor her, make her proud, while I use this springboard and country to propel me forward.
I am proud to be a South African-American.
